One First Kiss Goodbye

One First Kiss Goodbye

I happened upon your memory today.
I've tried to forget you, it just happens that way.
How heartbreaking it was that we said goodbye,
but it was for the best,

we can't lie.

I know that you loved me, I felt it too,
but I still couldn't bring myself to loving you.
This chapter of my life just isn't over yet,
but you're still a part of me I won't ever forget.

You're still my solace on those lonely nights.
You still keep me warm, and hold me tight.
I hear your laughter, I can still see your smile,
you're still the one that soothes me,
no matter the miles.

It's true things happen in mysterious ways.
Perhaps I'll find you again someday.
I wanna hold you, and look into your eyes,
as we share our first kiss, and our last kiss goodbye.

For now, I hope your "promise" is lying next to you,
loving you completely, the way I couldn't do.
And I hope your heart's as filled as it could ever be,
but please,

could you save a little spot for me.?

Random Thoughts...again

First of all, my thoughts and prayers go out to all the victims, their families, and friends in the wake of the horrendous tragedy in Virginia. I don't even know what to say except, God Bless them, and give them the strength and the courage to move forward and begin to heal.

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On a lighter note, I took my son to the dentist today for a cosmetic procedure that he's been bugging me to have done for months now. His two teeth, the ones on either side of his front teeth were "indented". Not by much, but enough to bother him. Anyway, they put two veneers on those teeth, shaved down his two front teeth flush with the veneers, and voila, a $600 smile.

Personally, I didn't think they looked bad at all, but when he told me that he rarely smiled in public, it broke my heart. What else could I have done?

He was thrilled when he saw the results, and instead of thanking the dentist and two of her hygienists, he jumped out of the chair, thanked ME, and kissed me on the cheek. They all simultaneously said "awwwwwwww"..lol. He melted their hearts, as well as mine. Well worth the $600.00, I would say.

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I am two months, two weeks and 5 days into my "quit". Woohoo!! Sometimes, I can't believe that I actually did it. I'm not at a TRUE comfort level yet, but each day it gets easier. I don't think I craved a "sickarette" once yesterday. It's not like that everyday, of course, but I'm confident that one day it will be. I look forward to that day with all my heart.

These are some of the things I've noticed since I quit.

-

I can FINALLY smell the air deodorizers that I spend hundreds of dollars on.

- My house doesn't stink anymore.

- My clothes don't stink anymore.

- I'm much calmer and happier.

- I sleep better.

- The whites of my eyes are whiter.

- My teeth were already white, but now they are REALLY white!

- I've saved $631.96 to date.(Today I was able to spend it on something far more important than my nasty addiction).

- I can take a deep breath. (I thought I could before but wow!, what a difference)

- I can actually taste my food.

- No more having to stop what I'm doing to go outside for a fix with my addicted friends.

My body has gone through so many changes since I quit, and I'm sure It's not done yet. It's going to take a while to undo all the damage that smoking has caused me over the years. I pray to God that I didn't quit too late.

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I have been quit for 2 Months, 2 Weeks, 6 Days, 9 minutes and 7 seconds (79 days). I have saved $632.04 by not smoking 1,580 cigarettes. I have saved 5 Days, 11 hours and 40 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 29/01/2007 12:30 AM

The Out-Law, Part 2

Well, I did it. I survived yet another in-law family reunion. It wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. My mother in law was surprised, and very happy. The food was wonderful. We had an antipasto plate, veal, pasta, salad, and black forest cake. I over indulged, of course, but I earned it. I haven't touched anything even remotely bad for me in a week. Today I excercised like a fiend and went back to my new eating habits. So, it's all good.

The music was horrible. Line dancing and the tarantella DON'T mix, but if you're european and pushing 80, which most of the guests were, I guess it works...lol
The best part of the evening for ME was realizing that I didn't once complain that my feet were "killing me" at the end of the night. I finally found a pair of high heels that actually felt good on my feet. I love these shoes so much, I think I want to be buried in them, and that's exactly what I told everyone that crossed my path..lol. Damn the wine!!..Seriously, these shoes are awesome! The ladies know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, we chatted a little, drank a little, and the evening ended at around midnight. We said our goodbyes, and that was it.

June 3rd will be the next time we all get together, this time for a baptism. Oh well, at least this time I'll be in church when I think all my nasty thoughts, family related and otherwise ;) It'll be a two-for-one baptism and confession session all in one..lol

Until next time.

The Out-Law

Oh Gawd! Today is the day I have to go and sit through a surprise birthday party for my mother-in-law. Time to turn on the old phoney smile. It's been awhile since we all got together so I'll have to practice my looks of concern.That's important, you know. There better be ALOT of alcohol there, and now that I've changed my diet, ALOT of foods rich in B12..lol ;)

Cruel you say? I think not. Let me tell you a little bit about her.
This is a women that's holding on to her children's inheritance (from their fathers death), with both fists, and refuses to let go, NO MATTER WHAT.

This is a women that, one year for Christmas bought everyone in the family a beautiful piece of gold jewellery, and gave me a perfume sampler. You know, the kind they give away at Shoppers Drug Mart with every $50.00 purchase..lol. What's worse, she presented everyone their gifts at the dinner table. Talk about humiliation.

This is a woman who, in the beginning of my marriage, refused to "cut the cord" with her son, and we all know what THAT means. I swear, if you looked closely enough, you could actually see it swaying back and forth between them..lol.

This is a woman who resented me for the longest time (and still does), when my son was born because she thought I robbed him of his virginity by having him circumcised..lol, and the list goes on, and on, and on.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on her. I guess it would be hard to like me, or to get to know me if I don't give her the chance, but to be honest, I don't really want to. I've tried to distance myself from her over the years because she makes me feel inferior, the whole family does. They make me feel like I'm not good enough. Well, there's just way to much going on in my head right now to waste my time and energy proving to her otherwise.

I'm pretty happy the way things are, and honestly, I think she is too. As long as she gets to see her little boy, I don't even exist for her....

...........NOT!!!!

Freaky Friday

Since this is pretty much how I've felt most of the day, I thought I would just share some pictures that make me smile..I hope they make you smile too.

Ahh.....Love :)

Someone sent me this in an email..I have NO idea why..lol, but it's cute.


Every gal has got to feel beautiful..lol




This picture just makes me want to be the proud owner of a pair of monkeys..lol

Ahh...words to live by

This one, just because it melts my heart.

How could you not smile at THIS..lol..Or is it just me?

And Finally

This is an optical illusion..Concentrate really hard and an image will appear, right before your very eyes.

Tada!!

That's it..I feel better now..lol

Come to me

Come to me, my love, you're my hearts desire tonight,

embrace me in your loving arms until the morning light.

Bring with you your passion, love, that's hidden deep inside,

shed the mask of shamefullness, there's nothing left to hide.

Bring with you your smile, love, that illuminates my sky,

and leave behind the sadness, no more tears you'll cry.

Dont forget your heart, love, then gently open wide,

close your eyes and kiss me, then let love come inside.

Come to me, my love, the yearning is just too much,

don't make me live another day,without your gentle touch.

My results

I got my test results back today. Everything seems to be okay, no strep. All my blood work was fine except, I seem to be a little deficient of vitamin B12. That would explain my sluggishness (sp) lately. The doctor says it's nothing to worry about, but I should take a vitamin everyday and then go back to see him in a month.
I thought about it, and I think instead of taking a vitamin, I'm going to change my diet and start eating the things I should be eating, including more chicken and eggs, beef, etc. I really thought I WAS eating properly, until today.
Anyway, we'll see if there's any improvement in 1 month. If not, I'll start taking the vitamin. I HATE taking anything if I don't have to, so I really hope I can do this on my own.

Random Thoughts

Last night I dreamt about a fellow blogger. I've never seen, nor talked to this person, basically all I know is his name, yet, 3 times he came to me in my dreams. I kept repeating his name, over and over again. There was no structure to the dream, no real meaning. No faces involved, just his name. It was as if it was just swirling around my head.What could that mean, I wonder?

I saw "Premonition" last night, with Sandra Bullock. It's about a woman that has a recurring "dream" about the death of her husband. The dream happens every night for about a week. One morning, he's there, the next, he's dead. She finally unravels the mystery of what's going on and discovers that her husband is going to be en-route to have an out of town affair with a co-worker when he's killed by a semi truck. She also realizes then that she has the power to change the sequence of events that are about to occur, but toys with the idea of NOT stopping him from going because she was angry knowing that he was going to cheat on her. Anyway, in the end, she does try to stop him, but it's too late and the accident happens anyway, and that's the end. Not very exciting, not worth the money, that's for sure. I would give the movie a 3 out of 10. Save your money, and wait for the dvd.

I go for the results of my tests today. NOT looking forward to it. My throat has gotten better, so I'm sure it wasn't strep. I'm thinking it's just irritated from all the crud that's left behind from so many years of smoking. It seems to be fine now. Anyway, we'll see what happens with the rest of the tests.

BTW, these are my stats so far..Hurray for me!!!!!

I have been quit for 2 Months, 1 Week, 5 Days, 11 hours, 26 minutes and 3 seconds (71 days). I have saved $571.80 by not smoking 1,429 cigarettes. I have saved 4 Days, 23 hours and 5 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 29/01/2007 12:30 AM

I have to go to my Mother-in-laws 65 birthday party on Saturday. Not looking forward to that either. I AM looking forward to going shopping today to buy myself the sleaziest dress I can find in the stores..lol...Hey, it's all I have. She hates me, and I can't say I'm too fond of her. I love to shock her whenever I can. I'm going to have a drink also before we go so she can smell the alcohol on my breath..Ohhhh, the tongues will be wagging that day.. I can't wait!!..ha!!

Have a wonderful day fellow bloggers!!

Answer to a "promise"

Yes, my Love, My moments are spent with thoughts of you,
dreaming of the day when our souls collide.
When you'll be mine, and I'll be yours for eternity.
You ask, then how shall we meet, my love?
What matters of how?,
When, is the question that tortures my lonely soul.
God himself shall forge our union,
born in heaven,
destined to become one on earth.
So don't look for me in the faces of others,
those smiles, feigned they'll be.
Those eyes won't burn you like a fire
that only I can inflame.
When that moment our destinies collide,
make no mistake, there will be no denying,
your "promise", my love, is I.
Your heart need not be cautioned then,
for true love does not betray.
The greater sin does not lie in passing me by,
it's not having you here with me now.
But our fates have been sealed,
it's just a matter of time.
Patience...
Slowly, Slowly, I will be found.

I wrote this for someone that doesn't exist.

Who are you??

check this out

This visual quiz is awesome.

Passion

The light of autumn's moon shines through the open window,
while the radio spills a sweet song of love as we dance in a river of moonrays.
Your fingertips gently trace the hills and valleys of my nakedness, arousing unsated hunger. Slowly and purposely, you play me like a fine tuned piano.

Whisper words that warm me in the night's gentle wind, touch me there, and I'll answer with a sigh as we lay enmeshed in a weave of erotic bliss.
Delve into my deepest part, that dense walls of denial may crumble to ash beneath every footprint as we journey to the summit of passions peak.
No eyes closed, no timid look this time, only surrender, as you search the forbidden places of my soul, and watch as I melt into your kiss .

Yes, love me in the shadows of autums pale moon, and we'll dance in a river of moonrays, forever.

Never let them see

"How will they know you're hurting if you never let them see you cry"

That thought occured to me one day. It occured to me that nobody will ever know how I feel if I don't tell them, and the reason why I don't is because I don't like being pitied, and I don't like sympathy. It's hard for me to reach out to others and still feel in control of myself without feeling weak. Other people of course, interpret this as being coldhearted, but they don't know that deep down inside I'm just like them, and I DO have feelings. It's just so hard for me to admit to them that I'm not the "tough" woman they think I am. I just wish they could see that for themselves.

I'm VERY good at giving advice. People often come to me when they have a problem, or when they just need someone to listen to them, and I'm always glad to help. It makes me feel good that I can help, and It makes me feel good when they take my advice to heart and it works for them. I just wish I could do that for myself, just break down and let someone into MY world for a change to advise me.

I almost let my guard down a few weeks ago during a conversation with my sister. My younger sister who's more neurotic than I am, or so people think. Anyway, she made a statement, and these are her words "DO YOU KNOW THAT I AM THE BEST AT HIDING MY FEELINGS. IN FACT, I AM A MASTER AT IT" I chuckled to myself and told her that If it was a contest, I would win, hands down. She kept insisting that she was the "master of disguises" and I of course, kept challenging her. She hesitated, and I could almost hear her thoughts. She was saying, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN!! NOT YOU! HOW COULD YOU BE BETTER AT DISGUISES THAN ME? YOU'RE THE OUTSPOKEN, STRONG ONE, AND I AM THE WEAK ONE". I didn't give her any examples, that would mean letting her get to know the real me, and I just wasn't ready for that, so I left well enough alone. At least I gave her something to think about. At least I planted the thought in her head that maybe, just maybe there's a side of me that nobody knows about, the vulnerable, sensitive side that doesn't show to often.

Maybe the next time we talk, instead of saying, "guess what happened to me today", or "HELP, I need someone to talk to", just maybe she'll say, How are YOU, and how are YOU feeling today. I think I would like that.

Fear

A tempest in a tangled web of deception,
weaving delusive thoughts in the unsounded
backwoods of my psyche.
You cower in the shadows of unrelentless pursuit, braced to dispute my existence, and all that I hold true.
You, sated by idle persuasion,
unseen beneath layers of pseudo-pride,
and I, a prisoner of illusion.

American Idol????

I would like to know who the hell is doing the voting on American Idol, and when did it become a popularity contest?? It has to be some kind of joke, no? I'm sorry but, Sanjaya does NOT belong on that stage. I think he should have been gone LONGGGGGGGGG ago. Does he not realize also what a laughing stock he's become? If that were me, I would be embarrassed for myself and leave willingly. I would say that it's NOT the greatest way to begin his professional career in singing, if in fact he's even serious about BEING a singer. Maybe rodeo clown would better suit him.

Seriously folks, wake up, and vote based on the person's singing capabilities and not on popularity. It just isn't fair to the others.

33 million Americans voting and that's the best they can do..lol...It sure explains ALOT.
Thank you for giving me something to laugh about each week. Bravo!! K eep up the good work..lol

Say Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I finally broke down today and went to see my doctor because since I quit smoking, I pretty much feel like crap on a daily basis. Lethargic, cranky, HUNGRY. I thought I was going to get healthier, Ha! Seriously though, I know I've done a good thing for myself and I never plan to smoke again, but sheesh, this is ridiculous. I also gained a few pounds, nothing serious since I wasn't a big person to begin with, but I still don't like it. I've been working out like a fiend lately so hopefully I can take them off and start feeling like myself again.

Someone told me that it could be a thyroid thing happening. Apparantley smoking plays a huge part on regulating our metabolisms, so it could be that my body is getting back to the way it should be. Who knows. I get the test results next Tuesday, so we'll see. My throat has been sore for a few days also so he did a throat swap for strep, checked blood sugar, etc etc. I'm a pretty healthy person so this is kinda freaking me out a little.

I'll post the results when I get them. I pray it's nothing serious.

What to do, what to do

What the hell am I going to do with the rest of my life?? I'm 41 years old, unemployed, and bored out of my skull! My husband has a job, and a part time business, so it's not a matter of life and death that I return to work, but I just can't stand the boredom anymore, and it never hurts to have extra money, right? My son is almost 17 years old and sadly, he doesn't need me as much as he used to.

I quit my job three years ago because I wasn't happy. I decided that I would take a year off to "re-group" then get back on the horse. That didn't happen. I had a car accident during that time and was home for another year. The accident left me anxious, nervous, and afraid, and the longer I stayed home, the harder it was for me to get back out into the world.
I am SO ready NOW but nobody wants me. I send at least 5 resumes a day and not one response. I almost want to give up.

I was thinking about going back to school but right now we're not financially able to accomodate those plans, as badly as I want to. I'm hoping that I could use part of the settlement from the accident ( when we get it) to go and upgrade my administrative skills in a private college that does job placement. That would be great! I can't stand feeling so useless. I have to get back into the world so I can feel like myself again, and feel like I'm making some sort of contribution to the well being of my family, besides the typical mother and wife things I do. I do THOSE just fine. I just need MORE. *sigh